Melancholy
by nherbie
Summary: John Sheppard is feeling down and turns to an old friend.


A/N – Don't own any of the characters. Sigh.

A/N2 – This came about after I recently attended a Joe Bonamassa concert (if you don't know who he is, check out youtube, the man is an amazing guitar player and so talented). Why John Sheppard came to mind, I'm not sure, he just did.

A/N3 – I tend towards Sheyla stories, I always felt there was chemistry between the actors and that the show gave small hints here and there. However, I wouldn't have been averse to a Sparky story line.

A/N4 – Thanks, as always, to honus47 for her being my beta and my friend!

~,~,~,~,~,~

Melancholy

~,~,~,~,~,~

Colonel John Sheppard sat on the edge of his bed, his guitar comfortable and familiar in his arms. He plucked at the strings and frowned at the melancholy sound it produced. He wasn't sure why he was feeling this way. He grimaced at the lie he'd just told himself. He knew exactly why he was feeling down. He was feeling left out, left behind, lonely. How pathetic was he? To begrudge his friends, his family, their happiness. Rodney had Jennifer, Ronon had Amelia and, worse, Teyla had Kanaan and Torren. He'd buried his feelings for her long ago, tried to tell himself that he was following his world's military regulations about fraternizing with people under your command, even though she wasn't technically covered by said rules. If he was honest, he was afraid of how much he'd felt for her so quickly, so he'd kept his distance. Relationships weren't his strong suit. His failed marriage, amongst other romantic entanglements, would attest to that. When she'd announced her pregnancy, those tamped down emotions had come rushing back and he'd reacted badly. He'd eventually stuffed them back in their box and had moved on, resigning himself to the facts as they were.

They'd been back in the Pegasus Galaxy just over six months, reconnecting with old allies and making new ones. He'd come back as a full bird Colonel with another medal he didn't really want. He hadn't been the only one. Rodney, Carson, even Ronon and Teyla, had received medals of honor from a grateful, if unknowing, Earth, via the SGC. The road back, however, had not been an easy one. Many in the IOA wanted Atlantis on Earth to protect it from any further incursions by the Wraith. The entire command structure of the ancient city had fought to get her back to where she belonged, arguing that their best defense was to stop them before they ever left their own galaxy. Eventually, the cost of trying to keep the massive city a secret had worked in their favor and they'd finally been allowed to go home. Home. Many of those from Earth who worked in the city, had been surprised to find that's exactly what Pegasus and Atlantis had become.

It had been a busy time since their return, and it had taken a toll on the personnel. Mr. Woolsey and Dr. Keller had teamed up and insisted that each team take a day off every four days, unless they were on an extended mission. He'd been all for it, figuring the rest of his team could use the time with their significant others and he would be able to catch up on paperwork and personnel issues. Imagine his chagrin when he'd found out that down time meant no work, not even of the paper kind. He'd tried to quietly go behind their backs, only to find out that they'd enlisted Major Lorne as an enforcer, specifically assigned to him. He'd called the Major a tattletale the first time he'd ratted out his C.O., but his X.O. had merely laughed at him. That's what he got for having a laidback attitude towards command. Evan had claimed that he was only looking out for his commander and friend and John had eventually been forced to give in. He proceeded to use the day off to surf, skateboard or execute whatever other strenuous activity he found that was meant to tire him out and take his mind off things.

Today had been his team's turn for an off-duty day. He'd managed to get the whole team together for lunch in the mess hall and there'd been a lot of laughter, but he'd seen something that disturbed him. Torren was growing fast and was a charming little boy. At eighteen months, he was exploring his world and his father didn't seem to know what to do with him. Teyla had given him meatloaf and mashed potatoes to eat and the child had behaved like any child would, smashing his hands into the white pasty pile and then holding them up for everyone's approval, giggling hysterically. Rodney had been less than pleased, but he was notorious for claiming not to like children. However, his not so well-hidden love for the little boy would bely that and even he had started to laugh at the child's antics. Kanaan, on the other hand, had curled his lip and quickly moved away from his son. He'd seen the hurt in Teyla's eyes, although it was quickly hidden and, worse, he knew she knew he'd seen it. She'd tried to smile at him, but it had been forced. He was angry with Kanaan for more than one reason. He had the woman John wanted and a son anyone would be proud of. Kanaan seemed oblivious to both. John, himself, loved the child as if he were his own, often wishing that it was the truth.

He sighed when he found himself playing Johnny Cash's Solitary Man, so stopped and stood up, carefully putting the guitar back in its stand. He'd had it since childhood, and it reminded him of his mother. His father had insisted on him taking violin lessons, wanting his six-year-old son to be accomplished in one of the "finer" skills. Dave was older and had already shown an aptitude for business that John was sorely lacking in, and his father was trying to find something that would make his younger son stand out. His affinity for math and his desire to fly, even at such a young age, were things that Patrick Sheppard would prefer to keep secret from the social circles he moved in.

John hadn't really minded as he'd loved music for as long as he could remember, something he'd inherited from his mother. He'd pretended to be furious and had dug his heels in, stating it was for sissies and he wouldn't do it. Not unless he also got to take guitar lessons at the same time, that was. His father had agreed, thinking he'd won the war, but his mom had known better and they had quietly laughed about it when they were alone. The two instruments were similar enough that he hadn't had trouble keeping up with both sets of lessons. He'd been a natural, with a good ear for music, able to play just about anything he'd heard, even if it was only once. The violin his father had given him was still in the music room in the house Dave had inherited. The guitar his mom had given him had never been far from his side and was one of the few personal items he'd selected to bring through the gate that first time.

He stretched and felt the vertebra in his back pop. He stared around his room, at a loss for what to do. He finally decided to head to the rec room, hoping that it would be empty, and he could watch a movie by himself. Something that would perfectly suit his current frame of mind. He left his room behind and started roaming the hallways. As he neared the rec room, he heard something that made his skin crawl and he winced. He recognized the sound of a violin being played badly and wondered at the cosmic coincidence of it all. Still he shouldn't be surprised, coincidence had become a part of his norm in Pegasus. At odd times, in a fit of pique here and there, he sometimes wondered if the Ancients broke their no interference rules to mess with people, specifically with him. He peeked into the room and saw one of the newer scientists that had joined Atlantis just before they'd headed back. Dr. Selina Cramer was a neurobiologist and, from what little he'd seen of her, a bit of a snob. Okay, maybe more than a bit. Her attitude towards the military contingent had been commented on more than once. Seeing her struggle with the violin made him wince, wondering if she'd accept some gentle corrections. When the next screech assaulted his ears, he decided he didn't care.

"You're not holding it correctly." He blurted out.

Selina looked up from the offending instrument she was whiling away her free time with. Like the off-world teams, Dr.'s McKay and Zelenka had instituted a mandatory day off. Not that either of them adhered to it. She barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. Like she would take instruction from some military grunt, even if he was the commanding officer of the whole base. What could he possibly know about a violin? It didn't blow up or shoot people. She snorted and watched him straighten from his casual lean against the door opening and walk further into the room. Great, he was just going to have to stick his stupid nose in. She had to admit he was a handsome man, in a rakish sort of way, but everyone knew the military had nothing but air between their ears. She wondered if he knew any music besides marches or military cadences. That thought led to a plan to show him up. Grinning, she silently handed him the violin, clearly suggesting he do better, obviously not expecting him to be able to do so. He took it carefully and examined it minutely, knowing she would misinterpret it as stalling.

He fine-tuned it and put the instrument under his chin, drawing the bow across it once. Closing his eyes, he launched into Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto Op.35: second movement. The music swelled out and he lost himself in it, all thoughts of teaching the stuck-up scientist a lesson, long gone. The sound escaped the room and drew others in, some were scientists with labs close by, leaving experiments in progress to follow the haunting melody. Others were men under his command who just happened by. When they saw who was playing, quiet messages went out over the comms and others began to show up from further out. He finished the concerto and segued into Bach's Sonata No. 5 in F minor: BWV 1018. Unaware of the swelling crowd, he decided to switch things up and launched into Procol Harum's, A Whiter Shade of Pale.

When he finished, he opened his eyes to meet the shocked ones of Dr. Cramer. He raised an eyebrow and she said. "That was Tchaikovsky and Bach." Her tone left no doubt that she would not have expected him to be able to recognize the music, let alone play it.

"I know." He said quietly.

"The last one I didn't recognize."

From the doorway, Major Evan Lorne replied before Sheppard could. "Procul Harum."

Sheppard looked towards the new voice and was stunned to see the number of people who were now in the room. "Uh, yeah. How…?"

"When the commanding military officer of the base shows an unexpected talent, it's big news." McKay replied. John hadn't noticed him until now. He blushed furiously and quickly handed the violin back to Dr. Cramer, intent on making his way out, fully intending on heading back to his quarters to get out of the limelight. Maybe to stay there for a few months until something else took over as the hot topic of gossip. He took one step and Rodney stepped into his path. "What else are you hiding from us?" His tone of voice indicated he wasn't happy that John hadn't shared his ability with his friend and teammate. John started to deny any further talents until he saw the hurt in Rodney's eyes.

"Guitar." He reluctantly admitted.

"Really?"

"You know I have one in my room, Rodney."

"Yes, but I've never seen or heard you play it. I figured it was just for show. You know, something you planned on learning out here in Pegasus. Kind of like reading War and Peace."

"It's not a big deal."

"Yes, it is, and I don't understand why you would keep this a secret!" John heard the 'from me' that wasn't spoken.

John knew this was the truth. Dr. Rodney McKay, multiple PHD holder, would never hide any light of his under a bushel, making sure everyone knew he could do something. Hence, everyone on base knew he could play the piano and had won an award for acting when he was a child. The scientist moved out of his way, but only to grab an electric guitar from the stash of recreational items that had managed to make their way into the makeshift closet of the room they'd appropriated for base recreation. He turned and handed it to his friend, who looked at it like it would bite. John preferred the acoustic guitar but knew how to play an electric one. Rodney shook it at him, and John reluctantly took it from him. He sighed and sat on the edge of one of the couches strewn about the room as Rodney plugged the amp into the jerry-rigged electrical source. He tuned it and looked up, hoping once again to get out of this. He was shocked to find Dr. Cramer practically pressed up against his side, all hint of derision gone, a look of almost hero worship in its place and he found it uncomfortable. He slid a little further away and she followed him. He searched for Rodney and, based on the look on his face, his friend was very aware of the situation and found it funny or, perhaps, payback for the imagined slight of John not sharing everything about himself. There would be no help coming from that quarter.

He looked around and noticed the crowd had gotten bigger, now including Ronon and Woolsey. He swallowed hard, not happy that something he had kept private was now common knowledge, although he knew he had no one but himself to blame. If he hadn't wanted to show up the snooty scientist now crowding his personal space, none of this would be happening. He sighed, knowing he was painted into a corner and wasn't going to get out of this. He strummed the strings a little, trying to buy time by tuning it again. When he ran out of things to do, he decided to do one of his favorite songs for the electric guitar and launched into Jimi Hendrix's All Along the Watchtower, singing along with the music. He had an acceptable, even pleasant, voice so at least he could carry a tune, but it wasn't like it was strong enough to make a career out of it. He followed it up with Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, stunned when pretty much the entire room began to sing along.

The sense of community made him feel better about things and he looked up for the first time since taking the guitar from Rodney, seeing the enjoyment on the faces surrounding him. As he played, his eyes swept the room, pleased that military stood side by side with scientist. That was the thing he loved about music, it's ability to bridge the gaps between people, bringing them together, disagreements momentarily forgotten. A movement by the door caught his attention and he almost faltered when he saw Teyla standing there, Torren on her hip, watching him with fascination and maybe, just maybe, something more as she frowned at the scientist glued to his side. If he didn't know better, he might think it was jealousy. He decided it was his imagination and continued with the song. When he was done, he put the guitar down, fully intending that the impromptu concert was over, only to find Ronon holding out his acoustic guitar. He wondered how the Satedan had gotten into his room and found he didn't really want to know. He did make a mental note to stop his buddy from spending so much time with McKay. He was developing bad habits.

He switched out the guitars and cradled his old friend. He smiled a little and started to play Ring of Fire, one of his favorite Cash songs. Several in the room tapped their foot and swayed along with the music. When that was done, he began Bob Seger's Turn the Page and wasn't surprised when the room began to sing along again. It was the kind of song where everyone knew the words. He was stunned when he heard Mr. Woolsey's voice in the mix. Who knew the man had such an excellent singing voice? He got to the part where Alto Reed's saxophone solo would normally give him chills and he used a technique his teacher had showed him to make the guitar somewhat approximate the wind instrument. It wasn't exact but it didn't sound like a guitar either. He wouldn't be human if he wasn't pleased to see the surprised looks on those watching him. When the last notes faded away, there was dead silence in the room for several moments, followed by thunderous applause. He decided to embrace the moment and stood up, bowing several times. Dr. Cramer also stood and began to make her way to his side again, only to find Teyla there first.

"John, that was amazing. I have heard several of those songs over the years, but it was wonderful hearing you play them." She said. Torren clapped his hands and then chose that moment to reach out his arms to his Uncle John, wanting to be held by him. John smiled and handed the guitar back to Ronon for safekeeping, pulling the boy into his arms. Torren burrowed his head into John's neck and sighed contentedly. He smiled down at the little boy and then looked up to find Teyla watching them, her expression one he never thought to have aimed at him and he felt his heart stutter.

"Teyla…" He began.

"John, I think we need to talk." She said quietly, just loud enough for him to hear amongst the excited chatter in the room. He nodded and turned to leave, Torren still in his arms, the small boy having fallen asleep almost immediately in the security of John's embrace. Teyla followed him and Dr. Cramer moved to do the same. Ronon stepped in between them, making no effort to hide his intention of separating the scientist from his friends. He'd seen the same thing at lunch that John had and had had to stifle his first instinct to punch the other man repeatedly in the face. Kanaan didn't deserve either Teyla or Torren and he knew how his friend, his brother, felt about them. John did deserve them and had shown it time and time again. If things were about to come to a head, no one was going to get in the way of things finally working out the way he was sure they should. The scientist tried to side step him and he moved with her. She folded her arms across her chest in a huff and he followed suit, garnering a smile from those in the know who were watching. Surprisingly, Rodney made no effort to follow his teammates. Ronon raised an eyebrow at him and McKay just smiled slyly in response. Ronon grinned back, maybe the man wasn't as oblivious as everyone thought.

Outside the room, the two walked the hallways, heading towards their favorite balcony by unspoken agreement, neither speaking. As they walked, John tilted his head down to kiss the top of Torren's, breathing in the scent of him, shampoo and that little boy smell that was uniquely him. Teyla watched out of the corner of her eye and felt her heart swell. This is what she wanted. This man who had invaded her life so many years ago and made himself at home in it. She knew he wasn't perfect. He had a hard time expressing his emotions and would often hide behind a wall that protected a heart she suspected had been badly hurt in his past, even beyond the ex-wife Ronon had told her about. From what little she had been able to glean from him over the years, his childhood had not been easy. A mother gone too soon, something she could relate to. A father who was overbearing and demanding, who couldn't see the wonderful man his son would become. That was not something she'd been able to understand until Kanaan had started to draw away from their son, expressing distaste at the child like things Torren would do. The mess that only a small child could make. Now, she had an inkling of what he'd gone through. She didn't want the same for her son. She also knew John could be stubborn, but he was also one of the bravest and most loyal people she had ever encountered, and she thought herself lucky that he was in her life and in Torren's.

The problem was, she wanted more from him than their current status. She'd thought she'd gotten signals from him over the years, wondered if he felt the same, but he'd never acted on them and she'd come to the reluctant conclusion that it was her wishful thinking and that he only saw her as a good friend, ally and teammate. Kanaan had been attentive, and she'd known him since childhood. He was Athosian like her, he understood their culture and she never had those confused moments with him that she had with John or Rodney when they used some Earth reference. She'd mistaken comfort and familiarity for love and had entered their relationship whole heartedly. She would never regret it as it had given her Torren, the most important thing in her life. However, recently she'd come to realize that this wasn't the life she wanted for any of them, including Kanaan. She had a strong inclination that Kanaan would agree and head for the mainland if she released him, without so much as a backwards glance at the two he would leave behind. She would never deny him the right to be in his son's life, but she would deny him the right to make their child think there was something wrong with him to the point where his own father couldn't love him.

They arrived at the balcony and silently went through the door. When it closed behind them, John turned to her. "Teyla…" She held up her hand.

"John, there is something I have wanted to tell you for so long. Something that I buried deep when I feared you did not feel the same. I…I…" Suddenly, she wasn't as sure of herself, something that was rare for her. She generally knew her mind and was unafraid to speak it. She searched his eyes and saw a little bit of fear there along with a healthy dose of hope. She looked at the sleeping child held in his arms and thought back over his short life. John had been there for everything. When he'd been born on that hive ship. When he was teething, it was this man who had been the only one able to sooth the crying baby. Kanaan had backed away the one and only time Teyla had tiredly tried to hand their son over to him, desperately needing a break. When Torren had taken his first steps, it had been towards John's outstretched arms, _his_ words of encouragement that had spurred the little legs on. His first word had been "ma" and she knew it was his doing, she'd heard him coaching the child when he thought no one was listening. And through all of this, Kanaan hadn't shown any of the normal jealousy a mate and father should, seeming to be glad to shift the responsibility on to someone who seemed so willing to shoulder it.

These thoughts gave her strength and she smiled up at him. "Colonel John Sheppard, I have loved you for what feels like my entire life. You do not have to respond in kind. I just needed you to know."

John stared at her in shock. He'd hoped, he'd wished, and he'd kept his distance. A slow smile spread across his face as everything he'd ever wanted was suddenly within his grasp. He took a deep breath, quelled his normal reticence and said. "I've loved you since the moment I placed that necklace around your neck in the ruins on Athos. Just touching you for those few seconds, felt like an electric shock that raced from my hands to my feet and it was like my heart was going to explode in my chest. It was all I could do not to kiss you senseless right there and then or just pass out cold. I've never felt anything like that before and it scared the hell out of me. You know I'm not good with dealing with my emotions, never sure how to express what's in my heart."

Teyla's eyes welled up and she whispered, her throat tight with unshed tears of happiness. "I think you may be improving on that, John Sheppard. That was the most beautiful thing you have ever said to me." She reached out for him but suddenly a cloud passed over his face and he stepped back, unconsciously tightening his grip on Torren and the little boy sleepily protested. He immediately loosened his hold on the child, unconsciously rubbing his back to sooth him back to sleep. Teyla looked at him with dismay, wondering what had gone wrong so quickly. "John? What is the matter?"

"Teyla, I love you, I do. You and Torren. But I have never before, and never will, step into another man's territory."

"Territory?" She frowned and her eyes snapped with temper at the implication.

"You know I don't mean territory as in property. I mean another man's life. His mate, his child." Not mine, his mind screamed at him.

"Kanaan."

"Yes, Kanaan. What kind of man would I be, what kind of role model would I be for Torren, if I stole him from his father, his mother from the man who also loves her?"

She smiled in relief, knowing this was indicative of the kind of man he was, the integrity that made her love him even more. "Kanaan would like nothing more than to hand off all responsibility for Torren and make his home on the mainland."

"Are you so sure of that?"

"Yes, he has hinted at it more than once."

"In what way?" He was still leery.

"He has mentioned, several times, a desire to live back with our people. When I finally suggested that Torren and I would go with him, if that's what he really wanted, he quickly changed his mind."

"Go…go with him? Leave Atlantis?" Leave me, was unspoken.

"I would not have wanted to. It would have broken my heart, but I would not want to separate my son from his father. His response told me all I needed to know. You have seen how he is around Torren, you saw it at lunch. I know you did."

He nodded. "Yeah, I did and I'm sorry." He looked down at the angelic face sleeping so trustingly in his arms and he whispered. "How could anyone not want to be with him every moment of every day?" He looked up to find silent tears running down her face. He hurriedly went over their conversation in his head. Had he done something to make her cry? Was it because Kanaan wanted to leave and not take them with him? Did she really not care if he did? The thoughts chased themselves across his face, his normal, oh so carefully constructed walls, broken down beyond repair.

She watched and smiled through her tears, knowing his very thoughts. "I will speak with him tonight. If all goes as I think it will, he will most likely be headed back to the mainland by tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." He whispered to her, then smiled. "I've waited this long, I think I can wait a bit longer." They stared at each other for a moment and then both started for the door, again in synch. Tomorrow seemed like a long way away.

~,~,~,~,~

One month later.

John stepped through the event horizon into Atlantis with the unique "gloop" sound that each made as they exited. Behind him, he heard several more "gloops" as the rest of the away team stepped through. He'd been away on a mission with Major Lorne's team for a meet and greet with potential new allies. While it was technically SG-2's turn, the Argulatians had requested the head of the military attend as well, wanting the prestige of having the Commanding Officer of the great city of Atlantis at their initial talks. Usually when this happened, John kept his mouth shut and just tried to look intimidating or unassuming, depending on the situation and the culture. He'd put in foot in it more than once when he'd tried to take an active part in the negotiations. Today, however, he hadn't been able to maintain his distance as the sight of their children running happily through the village, with full access to the tent where they were meeting, had struck his fancy and he hadn't been able to hide his delighted smile. That and the happiness in his eyes had drawn in Paoltian, the leader of his people, and the two had exchanged stories of their children. The other man had been impressed by the obvious love the Commanding Officer of the Atlantis military had for his son and the two became fast friends. The alliance was nothing but a formality and both had pledged to help the other in times of need. Still, he was happy to be home as he'd missed his little family.

"Da!" Torren yelled as he toddled towards John, his chubby arms held out. "Up!" John grinned and lifted him up in his arms. He tossed the boy up into the air, caught him deftly and was rewarded by childish laughter. Teyla looked on and laughed with him. At the sound, John turned his attention on her. The look in his eyes stilled the laughter and she felt the heat suffuse her body as it always did when he looked at her that way.

She cleared her throat. "Welcome home, my love." It was the first time they'd been separated by a mission since Kanaan had left and they'd made their relationship official. Both she and Torren had missed him terribly, even though he'd only been gone two days. She smiled at him, putting a little something extra into it and watched his eyes darken. "Ronon and Amelia want to take Torren on a sleep over tonight. I told them I would talk with you first."

"Oh, do they? Well, I think that could be arranged." The look in his eyes made her tingle all over in anticipation. Kanaan had accepted her suggestion that they go their separate ways with alacrity. He'd been packed and ready to go early the next morning, as she'd predicted. She and John had stood and watched him walk through the gate without a backwards look, Torren in John's arms. The boy hadn't seemed particularly upset to watch his father disappear through the event horizon. His reaction to John doing the same, however, was much more pronounced, the child almost inconsolable until the Colonel walked back through. They were more of a family after one month, than she, Kanaan and Torren had been after almost two years. Sometimes it saddened her, to think of all the other man was missing. Most of the time, however, she counted her blessings.

Surprisingly, to them anyway, no one on Atlantis had blinked an eye at their sudden change in relationship. Even Mr. Woolsey had seemed pleased. Ronon had only said it was about time and didn't mention it again. Rodney was a bit more vocal, but even he'd seen what was there, as obtuse as he was. They'd all settled down into domestication and had heard through the grapevine that there were several pools going as to which couple would get engaged first, which married first, which would have the first baby and, on the darker side, which would break up. John and Rodney had both been a bit taken aback by the rumors but Ronon had only laughed and admitted that he'd tried to get in on them, but because he was one of the one's being 'bet' on, he wasn't eligible. When they heard Mr. Woolsey had placed his bets, although he refused to admit which ones and on who, they decided to let it go. It was harmless fun and brought a little bit of enjoyment to those stationed there. Another rumor had started recently that the SGC had gotten in on the action, specifically General O'Neill and Colonel Carter. Unsubstantiated were additional rumors that Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, Colonel Mitchell and even Walter had gotten in on the action. Even though it was early, Teyla was pretty sure she and John were going to be the winners in one of the pools.

The little family of three, for now, made their way out of the gate room and towards the infirmary for John to have his post mission checkup. While they were there, Teyla planned on making a quiet appointment with Jennifer at her earliest convenience. She walked with a bounce in her step as she followed her Colonel and their son down the hallways of Atlantis.

~,~,~,~,~


End file.
